Things you should probably not say to a pregnant woman. Or maybe you should. But in a nicer way.

Recently, I attended a clothing swap party with some neighbourhood friends. In attendance was a woman who was pregnant with her first child. (Incidentally, she tried on one of the shirts I had brought and it looked perfect as a maternity top which made me realize why I should never have bought it in the first place.)

At one point in the evening, I entered the kitchen just in time to hear the tail end of a conversation about how awful the postpartum period can be. "It just really sucks sometimes," said one experienced mom to the new-mom-to-be. "And no one tells you it sucks, so you're basically sitting there thinking, "what is wrong with me!? This sucks. Is it supposed to suck so bad?""

I was shocked. "Um," I said nervously. "This is her first baby. Maybe we shouldn't..." Tell the truth. That's what I was thinking: maybe we shouldn't tell the truth. It  might scare her. "Actually, nevermind," I said. "You're right. Sometimes, it sucks." I turned to the new-mom-to-be and sipped my wine, suddenly determined to give her the straight goods. I'm nothing if not honest, right? "Like, you keep waiting for that perfect feeling. That, "I am so happy, I have never been happier in my life," feeling, and while you DO have that,  on the first day or two when you're still a little delirious, well, after that--" 

And this is the point where I made that sound people make. You know, the one that's supposed to imitate the sound of a bomb dropping or a plane crashing. Kind of like: “Neeeeooooooooooooow.Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssh! BOOOOOOOOOM.”

I accompanied this with hand gestures meant to demonstrate a spectacular crash and burn. I looked around the room. "Am I right?"

The new-mom-to be stared at me in horror. I realized I had probably taken it a little far.

Well, at least now she knows what she might expect to experience—and if she doesn’t,  she can say to herself, "Hey, I feel so much better than everyone told me I was going to feel, especially that crazy woman at that party. If I see her on the street, I'm going to avoid her."