I'm toying with the idea of having another baby. My rationale goes something like this. "But honey, how could we ever regret having a whole other person?! Also, I KNOW there are a few hard months, but honestly, it's all SO worth it. Isn't it SO worth it? Also, we make the cutest babies. Don't we make the cutest babies? Look at these pictures of the cutest babies!"
At this point, my husband usually leaves the room and refuses to look at the pictures. Of his own kids. Honestly!
The other night, our kids, now aged 4 and 5, were at a sleepover with friends who have kids the same age. "This is so great," my husband said. "We've reached the age where this can happen, where the kids can just ... go to someone's house. Without us. And we don't have to worry."
"Oh, you mark my words," I said. "One of them is going to pull the chute. There is NO way they're not going to miss me." No call came in, and I spent the rest of the evening, an evening I should have spent enjoying the one-on-one time with my husband at a local bar with live music, attempting to convince him that instead of enjoying our life now that we can, what we should be doing is jumping right back into the Pit of Late Night Despair and Early Morning Confusion.
As if on cue, a couple walked in with an absolutely adorable baby. I know all babies are cute, but some babies are cuter than others, and this baby had an advantage to most other babies, in part because of his perfectly round little head. "See!?" I said triumphantly. Meanwhile, my uterus started doing this strange thumping thing and trying to move me in the direction of hte baby. "Look at those people. They have a baby!" (Thump. Thump.) And they're out at a bar, just like we are right now. And look how happy they are." In truth, they didn't exactly look happy, but they didn't exactly look not happy, either. They're so happy, my uterus whispered, in a voice that sounded sort of like Gollum. SO, so happy, and so, so fulfilled, because that's what having a baby does. It fulfills you. You see, my uterus has been completely brainwashed by Mother Nature. It's seen all the propaganda films. I think it might even be a recruiter for other undecided uteruses.
"Yes, but they don't have two other kids running around," Joe pointed out.
"Maybe they do. Maybe they have three other kids, and they're all at a sleepover right now."
He didn't say anything. He ordered us another round of drinks. By the time we had finished these drinks, the couple with the perfectly round headed baby were gone. "See?!" He said.
"See what?" I was staring longingly at the door and considering following the baby out into the night, just to get a whiff of that little round head.
"It's 7:30 pm. They're gone. And do you know why? Because they haven't left the house in six weeks. Because they're exhausted, but they needed human interaction or they were going to go insane, except when they got here, they felt too self conscious to stay. Also, the mother ate those spicy butter chicken wings and now she's going to go home and breast feed that baby, and that baby is going to scream. All. night."
Next, I decided to do what any rational person would do. I asked my four and five year old children for advice. Said she: (with an excited look on her face) "It wouldn't be your baby, it would be my baby! I would be the mommy!" Then she rushed off to rearrange her room to fit the new baby. Uh oh. Said he: (after several moments of thought.) "We-ell, I wouldn't really want to smell poo all the time. And my ears might get sensitive from all the crying." (Me or the baby? I wanted to ask, but didn't.)
"But it would be a WHOLE OTHER PERSON!" I said instead.
"Can I go back to playing LEGO now?" He asked.
Clearly, the men in my life are developing some fairly compelling arguments against having a third baby. But me and my girl, most likely because we have uteruses and are thus at the whim of that trollop Mother Nature (wow, that was really weird, saying that my four year old daughter has a uterus. Yuck. Gah. Ack. But still. She does. I can't deny it. And one day, in the distant future, she might use it. GAAACK. Blarrrg.) who only cares about procreation at all costs, are unable to see this from a rational perspective.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to surf YouTube for funny baby videos. Have you seen this one? This is why I NEED A BABY:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4vvIVxYD2U
About Me
- MSP
- I'm a beauty editor turned freelance writer and stay-at-home mom (marissastapley.com/sageandlola.com). Most people think I'm funny, other people think I'm not and the odd person thinks I'm hilariously witty and should have my own show and bestselling book series. These people are either related to me, contractually bound to me, or my best friend. If a person walks past my kids on the street and doesn't give them a look that says, "Wow, those are some cute kids" I assume they're dead inside. I haven't bought a box of of plastic baggies since 2009, but I often steal them when I'm at my mom's house. I will never get over the fact that Gilmore Girls is no longer on television and that ASP didn't write the last season. I generally only cry when I'm alone. I take almost everything out on my husband, and he loves me anyway. Now that I don't go to an office every day, the number of pumps I own makes no sense. My daughter's favourite outfit is a pink batgirl costume and sometimes, she strokes my hair and says, "Mommy, I love you. You're so stylish and intelligent." My son's teacher recently thanked me for having him, because he's so awesome. That's a true story, and so are all of these.
I have three kids, 8,6 and 5 and I have to say the outnumbered club rocks. Granted, I joined totally by surprise (who would ever think having two kids 17-months apart is a great idea) but my kids always have an alternate playmate if someone's being a jerk and I love that they're their own little posse of fun wherever they go. I think three is a blast, now that I'm out of my sleepless postpartum depression haze.
ReplyDeleteMy kids are 17 months apart too! We're foolish women. But it alll worked out! ;)
DeleteHaving “been there, done that”, here is my advice.
ReplyDelete1) Three is much more difficult/different than two.
2) Your uterus will never stop skipping that beat. Even after you’ve told your husband “kick me in the uterus if I ever think about doing THAT again!” Even if you REALLY want that boy because as much as your oldest loves and excels at sports, and your youngest loves to play with cars – it just isn’t the same.
3) As expensive as babies seem, fulfilling their needs (diapers, etc….) – it’s nothing compared to when they get older and discover their “wants” (cell phones, iPods, brand name make up and clothing, rep sports, music camps, etc……). Or when they discover that they like the filet mignon you’re cooking better than the macaroni you tried to give them.
4) And you can only have so many “perfect” kids until you deliver the spawn of Satan. The child who is so cute, and has just enough sass that everyone thinks they are just adorable – when you’re at home checking their scalp to see if the horns have grown in yet!
On the other hand, I don’t think we can ever have too many Stapley’s in the world. And I love getting to live vicariously through all of my cousins and get my “baby fix”. Because even when my uterus is telling my different, I know that I am DONE!!!
Karen, why don't YOU have your own blog! "Kick me in the uterus if I ever decide to do THAT again!" Still laughing. xo
DeleteHa! Glad you enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I was not blessed with the Stapley writing gene. Or the singing, acting or art gene. I am however, a great drinker!!!
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